Swimming with the Cows. A Canadian Past Time.

One thing that is really nice about Australia is they have lovely public “toilets” everywhere that are well signed and open. What a concept. They assume people will need them and they like to be helpful and let everyone know exactly where they are. Canada has “bathrooms” that are usually filthy, hidden,and few and far between. So you can drive for hours looking for a public “bathroom.” You figure .. National Park, picnic area, they will have one … so you cross your legs and brush the tears that are forming in your eyes as you drive. You bite your lip and sing “I am a little tea pot” because survival intuition kicks in and evidently singing at the top of your lungs travels straight to the bladder where it stands arm around those muscles whispering motivational phrases like “you can do it” … “just squeeze for 2 more minutes” (personally my favourite motivational phrase)and … “atta girl”…. Your knuckles are white, you are blubbering insanely and finally … you get to the camping area … only to find ….yes the “bathrooms” are locked and closed. Evidently they are only open for 10 minutes on a Tuesday in July, if the sun shines that day and the stars are aligned correctly. After that shining moment, they are shut down …considered “off- season” and locked. If you missed that opportunity to pee … oh well…

I like the logic of this though .. walk with me ….

They have provided lovely “bathrooms” for us … not that anybody “bathes” in them …. This is just a polite way for Canadians to avoid acknowledgment that they have bodily functions and do what everyone else in the world does. You may be “toileting” … WE are “bathing.” Ok that sounds bad .. never mind …

They have provided lovely “bathrooms” for us and they want to make sure they are kept clean and in good repair. So, they lock them down to keep undesireables away from them. You know … people who might want to pee … and presumably there are people who like to hang out and party in smelly outhouses. OK so this is good .. protect the “bathrooms.” Keep the “bathrooms” lovely and make sure that the hanging christmas tree deodorizor does not get stolen. Yes because these “bathrooms” are in our lovely national parks and we want our national parks lovely therefore the bathrooms must be lovely. Lovely. Lovely. Lovely….

If you want to go get changed into something lovely to finish reading this post please … do that now .. maybe your fellow employees would like to do the same .. ask them. They will thank you for thinking of them.

Ok … so now you are the person who has driven for 2 hours looking for the one “bathroom” you know of … you get there, it is locked … you already peed part of your pants running from the car to the “bathroom” … let’s see what will you do next? Get back in the car and drive for another 3 hours to get to the next “locked” Bathroom? Nope .. You will go in the trees in the lovely national park , stepping carefully over all the other “deposits” left there by other people who found the locked bathroom but hey .. eventually we will be able to hang “national” protective signs on our “washrooms” and have tourists pay to see them … it might be the only chance they get.

We are hard up for lots of things in Canada … like names .. So it is “Elk Park,” “Beaver River,” “Moose Valley,” “Deer Run” … are you following me? Exciting huh? They also allow the city folk out once in awhile and when they hit water anything – especially if you live in Saskatchewan or on the prairies … you go “oooh water” and you put a gate on the road leading to it, throw up some green park signs and voila .. a “resort.” And people come .. put up a picnic table, sprinkle some dirt without rocks in it to simulate sand .. and they will come. They will come in their bathing suits and buy boats and camp and go to the bathroom in the bushes. (we don’t ask about these things in Canada because we are polite. “Hey mom I have to pee.” “Ok, but the toilets are locked.” See what I mean what do you with that? So the child just pees and the parent pretends their child does not have a bladder or that they can hold out for a whole week. It is better that way … us Canadians and our little fantasy worlds .. much nicer…)

I always love to see these things. Especially when you grew up near the “lake” and the funny thing being it was always called something like “the old Miller slough” before they renamed it “Antelope Lake.” You notice that all the people camping and swimming must have very poor eyesight. There are no antelope around for miles. AND they seem to have missed all the cows on the other side of the “lake” who are in a “field” where the border fence does not prohibit them from going into the “lake.” On one side of the “lake” cows and cow pasture. On the other side, rockless dirt, picnic tables, locked bathrooms, very white and sort of blue almost – people in bathing suits suntanning, and a green sign that says “beach.” What was it that P.T. Barnum said? You wonder if people even notice these are not some special breed of “water cows?” I mean they are not water skiing in formations, or practicing syncronized swimming routines with plastic flowers hot glue gunned on their head, hair waxed down, and nose plugs …

And they are not wearing “swimmer diapers” …. nope they are wading right in and depositing their digested prairie grasses. I guess their bathrooms are also locked.

And there are hundreds of them … and the water laps gently against the shore ….

Junior is bringing the boat around again as his sister waves at the crowds on the shore .. one handed skiing waving … opops hit a log … um .. not exactly …. “swim children swim” .. (queue the theme music from Shark or have a fellow employee stand back a bit a go “duh-da, duh-da, duh-da…”). THAT is a half submereged cow heading your way .. “we willl all be eaten alive …. everyone out of the water!!!”

Oh wait it is dead …

Resume your positions …

And for heavens sake … DO NOT Pee in the water … that is just soooo gross ….

~ by blisswindlow on June 28, 2011.