NOT Clusters.


I am not sure why men can’t listen to what you say to them. I mean I make eye contact, I move my mouth really slowly just in case he is actually deaf and has somehow managed to get through life reading lips and it is discovered one day and everyone goes “wow that is an amazing story” and they make one of those mini movies they send around to your email with music and fluffy kitties and people pretend they have something in their eye while they type in the names of 343 of their closest friends to send it onto so that they don’t die a horrible death, lose all their money, have a loved one die in a car crash and have a chance at something incredible happening in exactly 343 minutes. I worry if they ever make that movie I might not come off so good cause every movie, no matter how short, needs a villian .. so I speak very slowly ….

I said … “Get the cereal that has the granola clusters … not the flakes. See they are almost exactly the same … but one has flakes. Say NO to flakes … You understand? ”

He waved me away with his hand and said something about having better things to do and did I think he was stupid which I used to answer but then he told me that was a rhetorical question and there was no need to answer and I said well then there is no need to ask we will just negotiate an agreement on your stupidity. He left for the grocery store. I know .. what the hell was I thinking??? But every once in awhile, usually after either a couple glasses of wine, great sex, or a shot of morphine, I get really euphoric and think anything is possible and that I love everyone. I can’t really share what actually happened to cause this moment because I signed court documents promising to stop discussing our sex life in these blogs …

I know, I Know … you already can see what happened. He sooo came home with flakes. Yup .. and I am like .. “WTF? What are these?”

He is like .. “Cereal. “… cause he is quick like that.

And I am like, ‘ But I told you clusters not flakes?’
‘ No you didn’t.’
‘ Yes I did?’
‘ No you didn’t.’
‘ Yes I did.’

And then he like takes the box out of my hands and says .. “Let me see.” and he actually squints his eyes and reads the ingredients like the big picture on the front of the box with the flakes falling into the bowl are confusing him or something. So he hands me back the box and says “I can’t see the difference.”

“Umm ..well you see this? This is a flake ..note the flat shape? And this thing on the old box that is all round and big and NOT flat? This is a cluster.”

He shrugged .. Like a “who cares” shrug … and I am like “you did not just shrug at me.”

And he is like, “Well I don’t see what the big deal is.”

And I go, “None!! No big deal at all! And I am sure you will enjoy eating these for breakfast and then going back to the store and getting me my clusters.” And I pulled out the bread mixing bowl and dumped the whole box in it, poured milk over it and got him some honey.

So he comes to me later and asks if he can ask a question and I say, “no.”

He asked anyway because men just talk out of training .. It has nothing to do with communicating. BUT … in fairness …I wasn’t facing him when I said it so…. Legally, in a court of law he could make a case for he didn’t hear me …

“What do you have against flakes?”

“They taste like something grandpa used to feed the cows.”

” Well how am I supposed to know that I have never tasted cow food …”

“Yes you have.”

” Nope never.”

I picked up the empty box of cereal and pointed to the flakes and the little dingy grey pellets in the spoon on the box … “Cow food!”

He thought about it for a moment, “You ate the cow food at the farm?”

“NO that is how they smelled?”

“How do you eat a smell?”

I gave him the look and he shrugged again and said I was being ridiculous. I don’t think he appreciated my mooing at him as he walked away …

See this is why I like the idea of using hand puppets when trying to explain things at times like this .. not only can you simplify communication and illustrate your point .. you have the added bonus of having your middle fingers of both hands extended at all times….


~ by blisswindlow on July 7, 2011.

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